Taking The Best Of American and Chinese Parenting

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Parenting – everyone’s got an opinion on it; there’s plenty of ideologies and advice, warranted or otherwise, and after all, that’s said and done, nobody really knows for sure what they’re doing. This is why I, like almost 80 other parents at my kid’s school, were eager to join the parenting book club organized by the PTA. This weekly gathering has been put together and chaired by Shu Qi for almost two years running. Last year, they started with “How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And How To Listen So Kids Will Talk”, which continues to be hailed as the parenting bible today, even though it was first published in 1980. This year, they are currently reading “How To Stop Losing Your Sh*t with Your Kids“.

Keen to gather some insights into local parenting behavior and trends, especially in comparison to American parenting techniques, I ask Shu to share her thoughts and observations from two years of book club.

Q

So Shu, you’re China-born but lived and worked in America for years, do you find that there’s a clear difference between American and Chinese parenting?

Shu: Oh yes, the focus on academics is still very ingrained in Chinese parents, even those who send their kids to IB schools which encourage a more holistic education. And Chinese parents tend to have more strict rules for the kids to follow. For example, Chinese parents are traditionally very disciplined when it comes to mealtimes. If they say they eat dinner at that time, the kids are expected to be there by then. But in America, I’ve seen kids come down to dinner 3 hours late. It’s pretty common.

Q

Is there any aspect of Chinese parenting that is actually more relaxed than American parenting?

Shu: Economics! Chinese families are super generous when it comes to economic support. American families tend to be more strict about their kids becoming financially independent, like getting them to work in the summer even when they’re young, and even booting them out of the house when they turn 18. Chinese families don’t do that – they never want the kids to work when they’re still in school. Chinese families can support you even after you get married! Maybe it’s the parents’ way of making up for all the strict rules! Like, here let me buy you some fancy things, but you have to be polite and greet everyone properly!

Q

Is there any aspect of American parenting that you don’t quite agree with and would rather side with the “Chinese” way instead?

Shu: What I would never want to see in my own home, that I see a lot with American families, is the distance that forms between the parent and child after they grow up. I appreciate the independence, but I want my child to call me regularly and keep me involved in his life. I see American families where the parents just let the children lead their own lives, even allowing them to make some very obviously bad choices that lead to further isolation. But because “it’s their life”, they don’t interfere. Then they end up not speaking and don’t stay in touch, physically and emotionally. I can’t bear that. I want my family to stay together, heart to heart.

Images: Pexels, Vivienne Tseng-Rush

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